Bonehead Moves at Work

I've always had a bad attitude towards my employers. Here are a list of regretable incidents which let me feel good about being retired:

1981 Newspaper Delivery, Lansing State Journal/USA Today:

-Not refusing to a woman who refused to pay for her subscription in advance; "I don't like paying for something I haven't got yet.", when she did pay, always paid a $5 bill with twenties (taking all of my goddam change), and insisted I put her paper behind her screen door, even though she occationally put her psychotic rotweiler chained to the front door... I have an old mail bag with a set of canine-delivered holes in it.

-Staying on for a month after they switched from afternoon to morning delivery. Who the fuck wants to get up at 4:30 in the morning every day just to earn 25 bucks a week?



1984 -1985 Babysitting

-Contining to work for the neighbor across the street even after the kid's father's friend had me watch over his kids when he and his friend took their wives out. I said that no, I don't mind babysitting for both sets of kids. The neighbor's friend got all in my face and aggressively corrected me, "they're not babies. You're a sitter."

-Double booking myself. At the last minute, I had to arrange a play date with two sets of kids who didn't know each other... the parents were not pleased.

-Rifling thru a client's underwear drawer (I've always had a thing for sheen undergarments)

1986 Bus Boy, Royal Fork Buffet Restaurant

-Working in a shitty job where the manager told me my hair was too long, "it can't go over your collar"

-There was a point where they had too many bussers on staff. Instead of just firing some of us, the assistant manager decided it would be easier (or more fun) to start hurling verbal abuse at the bussers so that some of us quit. I stayed on.

1988-1989 Clean Up Jobs in Dormatory Cafeterias

-Stole food. We only got 2 meals a day with a standard meal plan. I ate stolen breakfast cereal in my dorm room for two years. Once, just for laughs, I stole a gallon sized can of Cheez Whiz, and used it as sort of a trophy of my irreverence. Also brought a huge bag of pancakes back to my room, ate from the "bag o' cakes" for days

-Worked a no-show job; I'd put on my apron, punch in my punch card, sneak out, go to class, come back, put my apron back on, and punch out.

1989 MSU Dairy Store

-Gave people obscenely large scoops of ice cream.

1990 - 1992 Michigan Telefund, Fundraising Telemarketer

-Posed for a group picture of employees with my hand in my pocket, with my middle finger sticking out. They noticed, but only after the picture was mailed out to thousands of alumni.

-Laughed uncontrolably when I had to call Peter Dickman, class of 82

1993 Solution Technology Associates

-Being too cheap to spring for a hotel room, had sex with my girlfriend on the office floor on a Sunday, then told the secretary about it.

1994 United Consumers Club

-Talked loudly about LSD at the check in line at the convention hotel

-Gave a copy of my band's CD to the Gin Blossoms at the same convention (they were laying there) in the hopes they'd listen to it, like it, and recommend us to their record label.

1995 College Credit Card Corporation

-Laughed hystericaly when I recieved an application from a girl with a funny name: Misty Box

-We occationally worked with student groups that would sponsor our presance on campus.. They got a piece of the action of the credit card sign up commisions, and lent an air of legitamacy to our presance on campus. I asked one of the leaders of one of these groups if she liked to be spanked. Fired.

1996 MCI Telemareter

-Just before my tenure was up at this employer, I started changing the names in the computer reccords of the numbers we called... "Hello, may I please speak with Mr or Mrs Dick Shuckor?"

1997-2001 Lotus/IBM

-When this site was listed an official "evil site" by the Portal of Evil, I sent out an e-mail to the floor with a link to the site, not realising that there were links to adult sites on that web site.

-When Notes 5.0 came out, I figurd out a way of sending out an e-mail that contained encrypted fields nested inside animated tables (both useless features for an e-mail client), that caused the whole application to crash. I sent an e-mail out to the floor with the subject "danger: do not open this document." Some people must have, because I got some angry e-mails, but I didn't get any kind of reprimand. I'm sure it would read badly if I leaked to the press "IBM employee reprimanded for demonstrating fatal flaw in Lotus Notes"

-In the maniacal delusion that I was the best analyst in the company, I wrote a letter saying if I wasn't promoted within 3 weeks, I would quit. They let me go.