All the men I've ♥'d...



One of my friends Senior year was a crazy bass player from Arkensas who played in a hardcore band called Barbed Wire Play Pen As an anarchist, he was always playing pranks at the expence of the greedy. Once, he glued a silver dollar to the sidewalk in front of our co-op on a game day. Thousands of people walked past our house, and about once a minute, someone would bend down to try to pick it up. Sometimes they'd pick at it for a whole minute. We'd be sitting on the roof laughing at these human squirrels, and he'd yell at them, "serve's ya right you greedy bastard!" At the next home game, he'd walk across the street, and casually drop a small pack of firecrackers in the alley next to a chain restaurant. Since they were connected to a cigarette fuse, he had enough time to walk all the way down the block, cross at an intersection, and walk back to the co-op so we could watch the terrorized football fans.

In the winter, he heard that someone at the fraternaty across the street had been verbally abusive to some of our party guests. He told me he got back at them by dropping a 50 pound fish into their ventilation system, but I didn't believe him.

In the spring, he introduced me to dumpster diving. He said that fraternity boys threw out all kinds of useful stuff when they left town. He said he found a first aid kit, a portable stereo and a quarter ounce of marijuana. I hit a nearby sorority at 3:00 AM. I quickly realized I made a mistake, as I kept finding disgusting evidence of their menstruation and copulation. I was about to quit when I saw a blue 2' x 3' construction paper placard. When I turned it around, I couldn't believe my eyes. On the top in bright yellow letters it read "All the men I've ♥'d at U of M" and had four columns: Freshman, Sophmore, Junior, Senior. Under each colummn there was a list of five or six names, then a comma, then two or three Greek letters. About a quarter of the entries were ??????? followed by Greek letters.

I was bringing my treasure home, when I ran in to some friends from work (Alummni Telephone Fundraising). I showed them the presentation, and one of them said, "Oh my God, I know who that is!" he said he was friends with the last guy on the list, and his current girlfriend's name was Amy Weatherwax.

I had a copy of the student directory, which had the home address and phone number of every student at U of M. So I called her parent's house and asked for Amy. She was home! I said, "Amy, you don't know me, but, I know you know..." and I started reading the names on the list. By the fourth name she cried out, "Oh my God" in horror. I told her I wanted $1000, or I'd mail the placard to her parents. She called my bluff, saying "Well, go ahead and do it." I hung it up on the bulletin board in my co-op.

At the time, I thought Amy was a tramp for forgetting the names of her lovers. I can only remember 20% of mine now.